Forgiveness

Renada is a motivational speaker and life coach who helps individuals break free from cycles and live their best lives. She draws from her own experiences and challenges to inspire and empower others to make positive changes in their lives.

Summary: Renada discusses the importance of breaking cycles and how they can hold us back from living our best lives. She emphasizes the need to recognize the signs of a cycle, stop self-sabotage, and refuse to settle for less than we deserve. Renada shares personal examples and offers practical advice on how to break free from destructive patterns and replace them with healthier habits.

Key Takeaways:

• Cycles can manifest as dysfunctional patterns that repeat in our lives until we address and learn from them.
• Recognize the signs of a cycle and be aware of how it affects your emotions and behaviors.
• Stop self-sabotage by challenging faulty thinking and destructive habits.
• Refuse to settle for less than you deserve and set boundaries to protect your well-being.
• Breaking cycles requires resolve, relinquishment, and replacement with new, truth-based habits.

If you were blessed by what you heard, share the goodness. Let's connect at http://www.loveworthwork.com 

Transcript

0:00:25 - (Renada): May good day. May this be your blessing and your mindset that today was made just for you. You were on the Creator's mind when he put this day on record in heaven and on Earth that there is something special, that there is something purpose, that there is something intended for you today. Take that in and may it bless you that today holds everything that you need to be the best version of yourself and to succeed.

0:01:04 - (Renada): So let's start the day with some self love, some self worth, and some self work, because you deserve that. So you begin and end the day with the goodness that you absolutely deserve. I'm Renata. I'm so glad you're listening. Welcome. And I'm hoping that today is an opportunity for you to share in this space in a new way, in a way that sets you free, in a way that builds yourself in a new light, in a new understanding.

0:01:46 - (Renada): Because that's how we evolve, that's how we grow. And today we are talking about cycles and whatever you want to call it, whether you call it a generational curse or passing down traumas or a cycle, it's all the same thing. Because the reality is that when we don't learn from and address the past, we are destined to repeat it. It will show up some way, somehow, over and over again, until you stop, until you put a stop to the cycle that you're in.

0:02:22 - (Renada): So how do we get out of the cycle and the loop that keeps us from moving forward in goodness and in truth, from evolving in a linear direction instead of a circular direction? Right? So not an easy subject. Not an easy topic. And mostly because we all have experienced or witnessed some form of dysfunction. Whether it's from your childhood, your teenage years, middle school, high school, a college experience, a failed marriage, a traumatic experience, as an adult, we have all experienced some form of dysfunction.

0:03:12 - (Renada): And those are the situations that leave a lasting impression on our hearts, the ones that sometimes we struggle to see the lesson in, or we don't allow the experience to teach us a truth that we're supposed to have and hold. And when we don't learn from that experience, it is really easy to become subject to a mode of operation or a habit or frame of thinking that can prevent us from walking in power or walking in purpose.

0:03:52 - (Renada): My sister in law, earlier this week, she sent me this video. It was a TikTok video of this mom who was talking about raising Gen Z teenagers. And it said SOS on it. And this woman was just pouring out her heart and she was crying. And she was saying, in an effort to not pass on generational curses and not do harm to her children and not damage them beyond the challenges of already being teenagers and trying to navigate being a teen, she was finding it hard. She felt like she had to escape just so that she did not repeat a habit that she knew would not leave them better, would not leave them built and my heart broke watching her cry and pour out her heart over this video because, y'all, it is hard when you are working to break a cycle.

0:04:55 - (Renada): It is hard. It takes some real work. Think about that because I know we all have a frame of reference. Have you ever witnessed somebody doing the same thing over and over and over and over again and you're like, why do they keep doing this? Like they already know how it's going to end. I know how it's going to end, I'm watching you do it. Why do you not understand this? Or have you ever been in a situation and you're like, how did I get back here?

0:05:32 - (Renada): How did I let this happen again? You know what? I cannot believe I did that. Yeah, I have been there. It is not a good feeling when you feel like you have ended up in a cycle or in a place where you did not intend or like what you thought was going to be the outcome absolutely did not manifest. It didn't materialize anywhere and you can't seem to put the pieces together to make the right puzzle. You're like, this is incongruent with where I thought I was going to be or what I thought was going to happen.

0:06:18 - (Renada): Typically that is the result of being in a cycle. Sometimes we don't even notice that we're in a cycle until it's too late. And it is easier to recognize other people's cycles than it is for us to recognize our own. And I think it's just a matter of perspective when you're subjective in a situation versus being objective and people say hindsight is always 2020, yes, but there's also foresight and there's insight. So why just rely on hindsight?

0:06:54 - (Renada): If you can be in a situation and stop and check in with yourself and say, does this feel right? Does this look right? Does this sound right? And if any of those answers are no, then somewhere you're trying to be looped into a cycle whether you're aware of it or not. And it is important to do those self checks because that ensures that we are evolving in a linear, straight line, straight path forward, and not in a circle where, yeah, you learned a new skill or you have a new piece of knowledge, but you're applying it to the same cycle. So you're still in the same place, doing the same thing, expecting something different.

0:07:40 - (Renada): That doesn't entirely make sense, right? And the truth is that just because something is familiar or it's a habit that you have, it does not mean that it should be just because something comes easy and it seems to have quick results. If the results aren't what you intended, then it doesn't mean that you should continue doing that thing. It doesn't make sense somewhere, you have to break that cycle.

0:08:21 - (Renada): So here's a way to know whether or not you're in a cycle. If every time you have a conversation with a particular person or group of people, and that conversation ends with shouting, yelling, cursing, name calling, or you feel worse after that conversation than you felt before you started it, you're in a cycle. If every relationship that you choose with a person of romantic involvement, if every relationship ends the same way with you feeling like you gave more than what you received, or like you are not worthy or valuable, or you keep losing more and more understanding of who you are or what your worth is, you're in a cycle.

0:09:29 - (Renada): If it always ends in disappointment, it's a cycle. Or if every time you get ready to go to a certain place or engage in a certain environment, you have to mask and prepare for hurt with a soother, whether that's a substance or food or whatever it may be, whatever filler it may be that helps you mask and prepare for hurt or disappointment or angst, that is a cycle. I know it is a hard reality because sometimes you're like, oh, but it's not that bad.

0:10:22 - (Renada): But is it reflective of your worth? Is it confirming of your value? Just because it's not that bad and just because you can endure it doesn't mean that you're supposed to. Just because it's what you do doesn't mean you have to. Because if every day there is good intended for you, why would you settle for less? And a cycle means that you are settling for less. And cycles show up through our emotions and how we express them, the expression of our emotions.

0:11:09 - (Renada): Think about that. When was the last time that you engaged in a cyclical behavior with somebody or with yourself? For me, it was when we first moved back to Texas. And because we had been so far away for so long, I felt like it was warranted that I would no longer have boundaries about my time or my space. Because, of course, I'd been thousands of miles away, so, yeah, I should be accessible to people.

0:11:53 - (Renada): And so I was spending time with people out of obligation rather than desire, because I desired to settle into being in a new place, being in a new season. But I wasn't really giving myself that. And then later it showed up in, okay, the kids are here. They're in a new place. Maybe we should take away some of their chores. Maybe we should take away some of their responsibilities and going back on boundaries that I had set, that my husband had set so that we could somehow facilitate this new place and space.

0:12:39 - (Renada): No, because I had already given up bearing a lot of the responsibilities that they could be accountable for. My husband had already given up bearing a lot of the responsibilities that they were accountable for. And it became I would point it out to my husband, I'd say, look, they're trying to move the measure. And people will do that, especially if they've gotten used to and can pinpoint your cycles.

0:13:12 - (Renada): Either they know exactly what to say or the right face to make or the right story to tell you that loops you right back into that cycle. And then there you go, feeling bad, removing boundaries, letting people move your measure. That's a cycle. And the truth is, I know my kids know my cycle. They know what buttons to push. They know how to get me to be the most empathetic, join their little bandwagon, get on there and be really rooting for them to yeah, I will. I see it, I understand it.

0:13:50 - (Renada): No, sorry, wrong day, wrong person. Not me. You guys should know by now, you've been alive too long. You cannot move that measure. You can't. One of the measures that I put in place was, we are all going to help cook dinner. It's not just on me. Because as adult human beings, you need to know how to care for yourself. Self care is knowing how to give yourself what you need. And if you can't cook, you can't give yourself what you need.

0:14:26 - (Renada): So for a while, we had them help with a meal. They had to help plan a meal. And then somehow, somewhere along the line, I let the measure be moved and now I'm cooking all the meals for the whole week again. And then there was one day, my husband and I were out, the kids were home, came home, they were supposed to be making dinner. I had a menu on the refrigerator. It said exactly what they were supposed to make what was for dinner. They knew what was in there.

0:14:57 - (Renada): Y'all, it was like 838, 45 and they had made nothing. We came in, I'm looking around, why haven't you guys made yourselves any food? Oh, we didn't know what we were supposed to cook. It's on the menu, it's on the refrigerator. Oh, well, I didn't know what that was and we didn't really want it. Well, that's an incongruent sentence. How do you know you didn't want it if you didn't know what it was? So, okay, my reaction was, well, that's really ungrateful. That's pretty rude because here I go, taking the time to put all of these meals and plan them and make sure we have the ingredients for them and you guys couldn't even make it for yourself.

0:15:47 - (Renada): You know what? They took offense to me saying they were ungrateful. So I apologized. I didn't mean that you were being ungrateful. What I should have said was that was disappointing. And I don't appreciate going to lengths to ensure that what we need for meals is here. Because dad is working hard to make sure that that is supplied and you guys aren't even taking the time. So I had to set a new boundary because I was not going to end back up in that cycle.

0:16:24 - (Renada): Okay, in response, instead of reaction, in response. Now you will each have a day to cook. You will cook by yourselves. You will plan out that meal and you will go grocery shopping for those ingredients by yourself. Because now you need to understand that there is time and intention and purpose that goes into giving yourself what you need. And that's the new boundary instantly took me out of that cycle, removed any emotion from the situation because I rerouted it back. In truth, you need to know how to give yourself what you need.

0:17:06 - (Renada): This is a life skill that you need. They did not like it at first. And if I had allowed them to move the measure for me, I would have taken it back and I would have ended up in a cycle and that wouldn't be fair to any of us. So in the expression of those emotions that came from that cycle, the frustration, those were externalized expressions, right? But sometimes the expression of our emotions from a cycle can be internalized. And that is when we end up overeating or we're self harming or we're drinking or we isolate ourselves.

0:17:59 - (Renada): That's internalized expression of a cycle. And whether it's internalized or externalized expression, if you don't get to seeing and stopping that cycle, you can end up feeling lost and losing your sense and vision of yourself. And we all deserve better than that. Getting out of a cycle requires both work and intention. It is not easy, but it is possible. And to get out of a cycle, it requires one that you recognize the signs.

0:18:52 - (Renada): What is happening? Let me take stock. Okay, I've seen this before. When people start using this coded language, or they start using these words, or they start crying, or they start making excuses or they say they use language that's supposed to incite sympathy so that you allow them to move a measure, that's a sign. Pay attention to the signs. That's the first step. See the signs and know what signs trigger you.

0:19:32 - (Renada): That is so important. That requires you being self aware. And then after you see those signs, you have to stop and make sure that you are not participating in self sabotage. How does self sabotage show up? Well, it shows up by faulty thinking when you start excusing other people's wrongdoings towards you. Oh, well, they didn't actually mean that. But could they have? And if they did, what does that mean?

0:20:09 - (Renada): And not that you will hold it as an offense and harbor unforgiveness. No, but you call it what it is. And then you say, okay, I need to set a boundary there. When you don't have boundaries set up, that is a form of self sabotage because you are allowing people to take away the impression that they can always move the measure and you're going to be okay with it. You're going to accept it. So faulty thinking, destructive habits. If you know that every time around this time of the year it stirs up feelings or causes you to feel a certain kind of way and you ensure that you have exactly what you need to soothe or to fill instead of creating a boundary, that is self sabotage.

0:21:06 - (Renada): If every time you start feeling this way, you pick up the phone and you call the same person and that conversation never goes well, or it leaves you feeling diminished or depleted, that is self sabotage. Or if when you're feeling frustrated, you go out and you buy a bunch of stuff that you know you don't need because you're impulse buying or you're allowing a shopping addiction to pacify how you are feeling, that is self sabotage.

0:21:41 - (Renada): Anything that is not long term, sustainable and leaves you better is self sabotage. And sometimes it is hard to recognize where we have sabotaged ourselves. That is not an easy reconciliation to make. But it is important because you don't want to be your own worst enemy. You don't want to participate in the kinds of things that will diminish you. So if you need help, ask for help. Ask the people who you know love you and care about you, or the people who have access to the resources that would bless you.

0:22:26 - (Renada): Ask for help. If you need to join a support group, join a support group. If you need to remove yourself from a place that you know is not blessing you. Remove yourself from a place that you know isn't blessing you. If you need to cut ties with somebody, cut ties with someone. If you know that you need to start looking for another job in a different field, look for another job in a different field. And if you know that you need to be setting boundaries in places where people have the wrong understanding of who you are and how you value yourself, then do the right things to communicate who you are and where you stand.

0:23:13 - (Renada): And it is not easy, but I promise it is worth it. And after you stop to make sure that you're not sabotaging yourself, that is then when we have to check and make sure that we're not settling. Because if you're settling, it means that where you are choosing to be planted, where you are choosing to stand right now, either does not reflect your values or leaves you without your needs being met or somehow you're depleting yourself, depriving yourself of what you know is best for this season.

0:24:06 - (Renada): You can't settle. Because to settle means that you are agreeing that even though you know you deserve more, you deserve better. You're okay with less. And if that is one of your truths, you need to root out the why. Why do you feel like you're not deserving of better? Is it trauma thinking? Is it a lack of self advocacy? Are you living based on other people's obligations and expectations. You deserve better.

0:24:50 - (Renada): You deserve better. And to stop a cycle is to change your life for the better forever. Because I was molested as a child, I was determined and I communicated with my husband. I am determined that our children will not experience that. So we established parameters and boundaries around one teaching our children to advocate for themselves. You don't have to hug anybody that you're not comfortable with.

0:25:31 - (Renada): You are not obligated to hug or kiss anybody. We will be the ones to take you to the restroom when we're outside of the house. And anytime that you're at school or outside away from us when it comes to a bathroom, you close the door, you close the stall, and you lock it. Nobody deserves to have access to you, and you are not required to give anybody anything. These were real moments and conversations that we had with our children.

0:26:10 - (Renada): And we didn't do sleepovers with family or friends. Now, we may have done things together with other families where we were still present, but we knew in order to break that cycle, we had to see the signs. We had to make sure that we were not allowing self sabotage or the expectation of others to become our motivation for raising our kids. And we could not settle. We could not allow familiarity to condition our thinking or where we chose to stay, because our kids deserved better. And we deserve better.

0:26:58 - (Renada): You deserve to be whole. You deserve to be free. And so do the people around you. If you know that alcoholism, if you know that substance abuse, if you know that any form of addiction is a cycle that you can see repeated in your family, see the signs and then determine, are you contributing through self sabotage? Is there something that you are doing that is allowing this to continue? And if it is, you need to figure out the why. Why do I not believe that I deserve better?

0:27:42 - (Renada): And it doesn't matter if it's overeating. It doesn't matter if it's not eating. It doesn't matter what the cycle is. You deserve better. You deserve to be whole and free. And once you go through those steps of seeing the signs and then stopping the self sabotage and ensuring that you're not settling in a place that you're not supposed to be, then you can resolve, relinquish and release. Resolve says, you know what? I'm not going to do this anymore.

0:28:24 - (Renada): I know that I deserve better. And because I deserve better and because I am worthy of better, I am choosing to remove myself from this cycle. I will not be a perpetrator of my own destruction. I will not be a perpetrator of the destruction of anybody else. That is my resolve and that can be with anybody in anything. If it's an unhealthy family relationship, if it's an unhealthy friendship, if it's a codependent existence that you have formed with another person, you have to resolve that you are not going to engage with them that way anymore, because you know your worth and you know you're deserving of better.

0:29:18 - (Renada): So for me, one of the realest ones, and this was a real struggle. So about, I think it was like 2018, 2019, I didn't necessarily learn. I remembered because I spent a lot of time cooking with my aunt as a child, and she taught me how to make all foods, always do all things in the kitchen. She man, I love her, I miss her so much. But she changed my life because she was the one that inspired my passion for making food.

0:29:53 - (Renada): And I remembered how to make biscuits, homemade biscuits, y'all, and my husband and the kids loved them. When I say loved them, I mean, it was a request at least twice a week, sometimes three to four times a week, for me to make biscuits. And I could make biscuits all kinds of ways. I could make sweet biscuits, savory biscuits, I could make dessert style biscuits, I could make breakfast style. It was a whole thing.

0:30:29 - (Renada): I learned how to turn biscuits into literally 20 different foods. And they were so good. They were buttery, they were soft, they were flaky just right. They had the right crisp on the bottom, where the bottom of the biscuit touches the pan and cooks. They were so good. And I had it down to a science. I could almost do it on autopilot. And I did this for a good, I would say at least four months. For a good four months, I was a biscuit making woman.

0:31:13 - (Renada): And then one day, I looked in the mirror and I had gained so much weight, the kids had gained weight in their little faces. My husband was gaining weight, and I said, oh, my gosh, what have I done? What have I done to us? Just because it's good to you does not mean it's good for you. Just because it's comfortable doesn't make it right. They were delicious, but obviously they were taking a toll on our bodies.

0:31:48 - (Renada): So I told my husband, I said, look, I can't make biscuits anymore. He was a little offended, just a little bit. My children were offended, and they could not believe that I was not going to honor their requests. And every day for about a good week, there was a comment about making biscuits, or how they could not believe that I wasn't going to make them biscuits. There was a request for a biscuit dessert or a biscuit meal, and I had to keep reminding them, I'm not making biscuits. If you want biscuits, you can go to a restaurant and you can get some biscuits. It's not the same. Well, then you don't really want biscuits anyway, because I'm not making them.

0:32:43 - (Renada): And to this day, I think I've only made biscuits twice in like, four years because I had to resolve in my mind. This is not okay, this is not healthy, this is not long term sustainable. This is not going to end in blessing. There is something destructive about doing this thing this way. And I would ask them now if you want it for your birthday, I will make it for you for your birthday. I had to set boundaries in place and that's part of relinquishing. When you relinquish, you set a boundary. When you relinquish and release that thing, this is not my thing. I will not participate in this.

0:33:31 - (Renada): I have resolved and I am releasing it. I will not participate in this thing this way. You have to set a boundary. You have to, and you have to replace it. So the replacement was, y'all can go get biscuits somewhere else. I'm not going to make them. I'm not saying that you can never eat biscuits. I am saying I am not going to make biscuits. That's like when someone says, oh well, if you love me, you'll do such and such and such.

0:34:02 - (Renada): No, that's not true because my love shows up for you by doing these things for you. Just because I don't do this doesn't mean I don't love you. Just because I'm not going to do this doesn't mean I'm not supporting you. You have to release yourself from obligation and expectation. You have to relinquish that it is not yours because you resolved that you were not going to participate in a cycle that was not going to leave you better and it wasn't going to leave other people better.

0:34:40 - (Renada): And then you have to replace it. You have to replace old habits. You have to replace old thinking with new habits and new doings. You have to do different and the different thing that you're doing, whatever it is, it has to be rooted in truth. It has to be. And you have to remind yourself the replacement of that old thinking with new thinking. Remind yourself, keep it on repeat. I deserve to be whole, I deserve to be free, I deserve to have good.

0:35:16 - (Renada): When it gets challenging, remind yourself of what you know you deserve because your replacement has to be rooted in truth. So let's self check, take a breath because I know that these are not going to be easy questions. Are there cycles that you are living or replicating right now? And how are they revealing themselves in your emotions and your expression of those emotions? Are you internalizing and self harming?

0:36:10 - (Renada): Are you externalizing and having to deal with those consequences? Have you taken the time to see and ensure that you are not sabotaging yourself or that you're not settling for places and spaces where you were not meant to be? And starting today, where can you resolve? Where can you relinquish a cycle so that you can set boundaries and do different? Replace that for your own good, so that you do not keep repeating, so that you are not harming yourself or harming others.

0:37:13 - (Renada): Breaking cycles changes your life forever, and it is not easy to do. But when you do it, there is such a sense of peace and pride and wholeness that comes from being free of what was meant to destroy you, because cycles bind and they destroy, and you deserve better than that. You were meant by the Lord God of love and truth and light, to be free. He intended for you to know the truth and to be free. You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free.

0:38:08 - (Renada): That is why we are told in Isaiah 61 one and Luke 418, that the Lord God intends for you to be set free from what holds you captive, and a cycle holds you captive. It does not let you evolve in a linear path forward, moving towards the direction of your good, your purpose, and in power, it does not. But when you decide that you're going to see the signs that you're not going to participate in self sabotage and that you're not going to settle where you were not meant to be no, you're going to resolve. You're going to relinquish. You're going to release and replace those things, that cycle, you're going to step out of it. You're going to break that cycle so that you have the opportunity to be free and to be whole.

0:39:13 - (Renada): That's when things get good, y'all, you deserve goodness. You deserve wholeness. And I am so proud of you today for setting aside this time to allow yourself to see that, to have that, to hold that as truth, so that you can be forever changed. So make your moments matter today and give yourself the goodness that you deserve to live in the light of truth. Do not forget to take into tomorrow the lessons of today.

0:39:54 - (Renada): Be gracious, be patient, and be loving to yourself. You got this. You're doing an amazing job. And the fact that you are even here right now means you see it. I am so proud of you. May the peace of Yah be yours. We'll talk soon. Enjoy your day. Bye, y'all. Bye.