Trauma Thinking

Renada is a motivational speaker and life coach who specializes in helping individuals overcome trauma and make positive changes in their lives. She draws from her own personal experiences and uses her platform to inspire and empower others to live their best lives.

In this episode, Renada discusses the impact of trauma on decision-making and personal growth. She emphasizes the importance of addressing and healing from past traumas in order to move forward and live a fulfilling life. Renada shares her own experiences with trauma and how she was able to break free from the negative patterns it created in her life. She offers practical steps for naming and casting off trauma, as well as exchanging the past for a brighter future.

Key Takeaways:

1. Trauma can hold us hostage in time and shape our decision-making if left unaddressed.
2. Naming and acknowledging trauma is the first step towards healing and moving forward.
3. Casting off trauma involves renouncing the negative emotions and beliefs associated with it.
4. Exchanging the past for the future requires envisioning a better life and making conscious choices to break free from destructive patterns.

If you were blessed by what you heard, share the goodness. Let's connect at https://www.loveworthwork.com

Transcript

0:00:06 - (Renada): Hey. Hey. Welcome, welcome. How did you like that intro? Hopefully you enjoyed it. My baby made that. My baby boy. May this be your blessing and mindset that today is a good day, that today was made just for you. We're going to take that in, breathe that through heaven. Designed this day with you in mind. And today holds everything that you need to be the best version of yourself and to succeed.

0:00:59 - (Renada): So let's start this day or continue this day, depending on when you're listening, with some self love, self worth, and a little self work. We're not afraid of that. We know that that grows us, changes us, sharpens us, makes us better, more defined and refined. And that's what we're looking for so that we get in this day the goodness that we deserve. I'm Renada. Welcome again. So glad you're here. So let's get into this because today we are talking about trauma and trauma based decision making.

0:01:44 - (Renada): What happens when we allow the trauma of the past to be the basis for how we stand and respond in the now? It's a deep question. It's a tough question. It's a startling question for some people because a lot of us have repressed trauma. A lot of us are holding on to moments in time. A lot of us are harboring feelings and emotions connected to something that we have experienced or encountered. Could be days ago, could be months ago, could be years ago.

0:02:26 - (Renada): But today is an opportunity for you to see and sit in truth, I'm so glad that you're here because you deserve that. We all are deserving of that, and we have all experienced some form of trauma. Trauma is really easy to hold. It is easy to embody. And sometimes we fail to understand that trauma holds us hostage in time. It literally makes a moment last for a lifetime when it goes unaddressed. And whether your lifetime is 15 years, whether your lifetime is 60 years or 25, 30 years since you experienced that thing, if it has not been addressed in your life, then it is holding you hostage.

0:03:22 - (Renada): It has changed either how you see yourself, how you see other people, but most importantly, it changes how we make decisions. And what I have come to recognize is that trauma is fiercest, fueled by the emotions we associate with what we've experienced. And one amazing truth is that the Lord God Almighty understands and even desires to free us from the burden of bearing trauma. He's even created an entire process for us to move and go through.

0:04:00 - (Renada): Some people call it the grieving process, but some people define it differently. Some people it's similar to the steps of what you go through when you're dealing with anger management or you're dealing with Alcoholics Anonymous. One of my best friends and sisters has done that for herself as a child of parents who were an addict. And it has been a beautiful thing to see for her because when we understand whether you are the victim or the perpetrator of trauma, there is usually some guilt, shame, anger, bitterness or resentment that we hold around that situation.

0:04:51 - (Renada): And when we let those feelings linger and then we let those feelings stake a claim in our heart or in our mind, it creates all kinds of chaos in our lives and it manifests in self harming and destructive modes of operation and decision making sometimes. I know from personal experience that my trauma has induced a decision making model that I use to justify staying in a moment or settling where I knew I didn't belong. Allowing either addictive tendencies or natures to take over parts of our lives or even to silence us to the point that we neglect ourselves or it obscures how we see ourselves.

0:05:45 - (Renada): And we essentially end up rejecting who we were made to be because it doesn't fit. If I define myself according to this trauma, then who I was created to be, who the Lord intended for me to be, that doesn't fit. It's not possible that the Lord sees me as this person because I am carrying this burden of trauma. It is a part of me. And if you use it to define yourself, it becomes the only thing that you acknowledge about yourself.

0:06:25 - (Renada): So I'm going to share a real deep experience. My dad died when I was 18 years old. He had cancer and in a matter of months he was healthy, fine and then dead and gone. And I did not handle the situation well. I refused to emote, to show any sign of grief, of reckoning or reconciling the fact that this was my reality. Refused. So much so to the point that my best friend became concerned. She took me to the counselor's office.

0:07:25 - (Renada): I was in high school senior year and she was very concerned. And she told the counselor then that she was concerned about me and I wasn't showing any emotion and she wasn't sure that I was processing my situation well. And the counselor told her, well, people grieve in different ways, which was a real truth and it is a real truth. People grieve in different ways. But because she knew me, she knew that there was more going on under the surface. And there was because when I was 17 years old, my dad I had asked for permission to do something and he told me no.

0:08:09 - (Renada): Didn't give me a reason. Didn't acknowledge the fact that here I was, this wonderful student, getting all a's juggling all of these balls, managing all of these roles, student, worker, big sister. I felt as though I deserved to go. Don't even remember what it was for. It was probably a party or something. But he said no. And that made me angry. And in my anger, I spoke and said, oh my gosh, my life would be so much better if he were dead.

0:08:44 - (Renada): Typical teenage entitlement. Self righteous thinking. Foolish. But when my dad died, those words echoed in my mind over and over to the point that I convinced myself that I was the one who killed my dad. My words set into motion an entire sequence of events that ended with his demise. And that was guilt. I was so ashamed of what I had said that crying, grieving, acknowledging meant that I beared some culpability, some form of responsibility in his death.

0:09:34 - (Renada): Now, as an adult human being, I know that that is ridiculous. But growing up in the church, reading the verse that says, death and life lie in the power of the tongue, I allowed myself to be convinced that I was the reason this man died. So, no, I didn't deserve love. I didn't deserve compassion. I didn't deserve time. I didn't deserve other people's concern or even my own good. How could I? I was a secret murderer.

0:10:15 - (Renada): And so that's how I lived life in that veil. And it created a model of thinking. So in my mind, because I caused somebody else's injustice, I did not deserve justice or good. So when I went away to college, I wasn't good to myself. I was in relationships with people that were destructive, put myself in situations that were dangerous, all because I was convinced if something happens to me, then I deserve it.

0:10:57 - (Renada): I deserve it. I ended up being in a relationship that was so abusive for almost four years. Physically abusive, verbally abusive, emotionally abusive. But I couldn't admit that I allowed this situation. I couldn't say that I was the victim of abuse because I was fighting back. Like, victims of abuse don't fight back. They just let themselves be abused. Ridiculous thinking. Because I was holding myself, I had trapped myself mentally in a moment, in time that kept me from moving forward beyond healing, couldn't heal.

0:11:54 - (Renada): And then as I sat and I stopped and I thought this was four years ago that I really came to the full understanding, full circle awareness that the Lord desires for all of us. Full circle awareness. I came to that because I cried out to the Lord. I had to cry out. I was so frustrated with how things were going with family members, and I could not understand why. And then the Lord showed me, you've never grieved a familial relationship, so you don't know how to operate in this moment.

0:12:46 - (Renada): Yeah, I don't cry. Crying is weak. And I had to stop and say, oh, wait a minute. Why do I think crying is weak? And then it came to me when I was about five years old, I think I was five or six, we lived on base, and my mom had dropped me off at daycare. This was a new daycare, new place. I had never been. I had no idea who anybody was. She dropped me off and she left. And I cried and cried and cried.

0:13:27 - (Renada): And this group of kids came over to me and they started singing cry Baby Sally, Cry Baby Harmony and I had never heard that song before. I had never even been to this place before and I just remember I had actually tried to seclude myself first of all. So they sought me out to make fun of me and I tried to hide under the slide and they just kept singing and I remember walking towards them. I don't know what happened in my brain.

0:14:04 - (Renada): I remember walking over towards them and kicking dirt up towards these children and I turned and walked away and I remember kicking that dirt really hard, it projectile flew in their direction. And I remember telling my mom in the car that they made fun of me for crying and she said oh it's okay. That was it, it's okay. But to me it was not okay. Clearly there was something that I resolved in that moment to never feel that kind of vulnerability again.

0:14:55 - (Renada): And I told my husband years later I can pinpoint that moment, that trauma to the day that I decided I don't cry and I don't show people emotion. It's not who I am. Crying is weak. So when my dad died I cried at his funeral and that vulnerability instantly did not sit well with me. So I said never again. Never. And to the point to where I did not want other people crying around me because it made me feel like I needed to manage their emotions or that somehow they wanted me to join them. Like crying was an invitation. Join me in this vulnerability.

0:15:43 - (Renada): No, I don't want to be that. I don't want to be there. And that was how I operated for a really long time. And that trauma precipitated my response to not grieving properly led me into a destructive process of selecting the people that I chose for myself and convinced me that I was deserving of use. How crazy in perspective when I step back and look at it but I can remember and recollect clearly being in that space, clearly being in that moment where it made sense.

0:16:40 - (Renada): And that's the thing when you are using trauma to form your decision making model, it makes sense. Other people don't have to understand it. They don't even need to have a frame of reference because it makes sense to you. It's so personal, it's fiercest fueled by the emotions associated with that moment in time. And typically we play it over and over and over and over again. We hold it, we tuck it away so that we don't have to let other people see it.

0:17:24 - (Renada): But we know that it's there. And every so often we just open up ourselves and we peek back inside and say oh yes, there's that trauma. It's still there. Yes, tuck it away, put it back. But you deserve better than that. We deserve better than that. Because how good can life be when there's destructive thinking, destructive embodiment living inside of you, in your mind, in your heart, in your body? And is that all that there is to life?

0:18:10 - (Renada): No. The Lord knows trauma very well. He explains that it will happen. He sees that it is a thing for the human condition, but he's so faithful and so loving that he gives us the opportunity to move beyond it. So how do you move beyond trauma? How do you decide that you're deserving of better than being trapped in time, held hostage by a moment? It's a great question. And I'm sharing this with you because it was a freeing process that released me from having to hold or define myself by just a moment in time or deciding that I wasn't deserving of better.

0:19:21 - (Renada): We like to settle where it's comfortable. We like to settle where things are familiar. But better be careful with familiar spirits, because familiar spirits like to sink in and SAP your soul. They want to SAP you of joy. They want to SAP you of goodness. They want to SAP you of love. They want to SAP you of hope. You have to be careful. That's why we know misery loves company, because familiar spirits are like, oh, no, come to my party, my pity party. Let's sit. Let's recall all of the horrible things that have happened to us. Aren't we just poor and pitiful?

0:20:06 - (Renada): No. You are powerful and purposed. You are. We are, each and every single one of us. And let me preface and say that the process is not easy. Moving beyond trauma is not easy. And it takes daily work to remind yourself of what is true, to remind yourself of who you are, and to keep moving forward. It is easy to settle, but you deserve to move forward. So let's talk about it. Let's talk about how we start this.

0:20:53 - (Renada): So the first step in the process is naming your trauma, calling it out for what it is. Psalm 2032 three talks about what happens when we keep silent. It says that our burdens become heavy on us and it causes us to waste away. That's true, because when your burdens are so heavy, that's when you're like, oh, man, I don't feel like going to hang out with other people. I don't feel like doing my hair. I don't feel like I should go and celebrate myself for my birthday. I don't feel like it's that big of a deal that I graduated.

0:21:37 - (Renada): I don't feel like it's worth the mentioning or recognition that I got a promotion. I'll just tuck all of these things away because I don't deserve that good. I'm not worthy of that. So we think about precious stones, diamonds, precious metals, gold. Those things don't lose value over time, even if they are stored away in somebody's attic, antique jewelry box, mine shaft somewhere. What's around them may waste away, but the value is retained regardless of time.

0:22:20 - (Renada): It is the same for your purpose and your life and value to the Lord God of creation. But when you hold on to those things, when you do not name them, they cause you to waste away. They cause you to forget who you are. They cause you to neglect yourself. They cause you to not even be able to see yourself. You obscure the vision of who you are. And so then you settle in hopelessness. But when you name that thing, when you say, this happened to me.

0:23:01 - (Renada): I was raped, I was molested, I was physically abused. The person that I held closest to my heart died. I was in war. I saw horrific things being done to people. I participated in the diminishing of another human life. I chose to create chaos or destruction for somebody else. Whatever that trauma is, whatever that experience was, you have to name it. So another real, deep truth is I was molested by my cousin when I was eight years old.

0:23:50 - (Renada): And that one moment in time shaped how I understood, how I thought about sex and the value of my body for a long time. And when I realized what had happened to me, I was never going to be powerless again. So if I was using my body, I was using my body to ensure that I had power over another person, because nobody was going to make me feel that way ever again. But that was a destructive mode of thinking that led to self harming.

0:24:38 - (Renada): But I thank the Lord for freeing me from that. Because when I named it, when I put those pieces together and connected those dots and said, this is why you engage with people, men like this, because you felt powerless and vulnerable and you didn't want to feel that again, and you stopped valuing yourself because you experienced a form of powerlessness. When I named it and I named it specifically, that was the first step to moving past that trauma.

0:25:15 - (Renada): And that's what you have to do. You have to not only name it, but you have to be so specific, as specific as possible. So name date, time, event, how it made you feel, what it created for you, the chain of events that you can see that stem from that one thing, as specific as you can be. So you name it, because Psalms 32 three says, when you keep silent about it, it causes you to have a burden that makes you waste away.

0:25:58 - (Renada): And you cannot do that. You have to give yourself the freedom to say it out loud. You can say it in the mirror to yourself. You can say it to a person that you trust, that has your best interest in mind, or you can write it down and then flush that paper or burn that paper. But you have to name it. You have to, because when you use your voice to live in truth, the more freedom that you give yourself to give your voice power, the more freedom you have from the hurt.

0:26:46 - (Renada): And you deserve that. And then that second part is, okay, now that you've named it, you cast it off. You don't claim it because it's not yours. You're not responsible for other people's choices. Casting it off gives you the opportunity to take off that burden and set it aside. Psalm 55 and one Peter five commands us to cast unto the Lord our burdens and anxieties. Because if you're trying to wear a burden and carry that with you, you'll never fit where the Lord has intended for you to go.

0:27:46 - (Renada): You will find his vision of you, his purpose and intention for you to be incongruent with how you see yourself. So you won't even give yourself the opportunity. And casting off the definition is to move forward by throwing off. Like, you literally have to take that mindset. You have to take that naming of the trauma and throw it away. So it would look like saying, I was the victim of this or that thing.

0:28:27 - (Renada): So you're pronouncing a truth and renouncing the shame, guilt, bitterness or anger associated with it. So pronouncing the truth to cast off is like saying, I am not this moment. I was molested, but I didn't deserve to be violated, and I am not responsible for other people's choices. And because this happened to me, it does not make me any less worthy. It does not make me any less valuable or deserving of good.

0:29:02 - (Renada): Because of this event, I deserve goodness and love and freedom. So you are pronouncing what you deserve, and you are renouncing the fact that you have allowed this thing to become the way, the basis for which you make decisions, or the way that you see yourself, or the way that you engage with people. Because you have to know who you are. You can't get anywhere if you don't know who you are. And then once you pronounce your truth, once you cast that off, the next step is exchanging your past for your future.

0:29:50 - (Renada): But what does that mean? What does that even look like? So when trauma holds you hostage, right, time still moves forward, but you remain mentally or emotionally trapped in that moment. And because of that, it's easy to know when you're trapped in that moment because you have triggering events, triggering circumstances that cause you to respond in an extreme way or the most reactive way. And that's just because what you're encountering at that moment bears some kind of resemblance to the hurt that we know and hold.

0:30:41 - (Renada): So because you have experienced this traumatic event, you're instantaneously going to react, oh, no, never again, or oh no, I'm afraid because or oh no, this makes me feel like and that garners the most extreme response from you. So that's how you know you haven't exchanged yet. That's how you know you haven't cast that trauma off and it's okay. It's all right. Let's take a moment because this is a really big conversation topic. This is a really big understanding to have.

0:31:19 - (Renada): So let's take a breath and let's continue. So now that you understand that you need to exchange so that those triggers don't carry the same effect, they don't get the same response from you, it means that you are now in the space where you're setting your mind to see who you are and to know that there's something worth hoping for. What are you hoping for? Where are you? Envisioning yourself. Your mind and body have to move forward once you've cast this thing off.

0:32:15 - (Renada): And we can see it in scripture, because whenever Jesus healed somebody in the Bible, we can see this in John five and John eight. Whenever he healed somebody in the Bible, he always told them to go and sin no more or to get up and walk, or to go and be healed. Go means forward. Move. You cannot stay here in this moment, even if you're in awe of the healing that you've received, even if you're in awe of the power in the moment.

0:32:43 - (Renada): Give a praise and then power forward. Push through. Keep it moving. Because if you settle, if you stop, if you don't envision and press forward, it is really easy to get sucked back up into trauma thinking. And it does take work. But you have to choose to do and live differently in the light of your new freedom. Think about it. If it said in the Bible that, let's just say the woman with the issue of blood when she identified herself and said, it was me. I was the one who touched the hymn of your garment, and he said, go and be healed.

0:33:32 - (Renada): If she came back and said, okay, yeah, I heard what you said, but just 1 second, I just want to check. Is this going to come back? Is there the possibility that I just need to stay right here so that if it doesn't happen for me the way that I believe, you'll know where to find me? No, because you're believing for yourself. You've envisioned yourself whole. That's why you sought me. And then when you came and you encountered me, I honored you.

0:34:09 - (Renada): I recognized you. I spoke life into you. And then I gave you a command to press forward. Keep going. Go and be healed. Give yourself the goodness you deserve. Be free. Set yourself free from the burden of not being whole, from the burden of not being healed, the burden of being bound by something that you weren't supposed to carry. That is comforting. It is very comforting. And it's empowering, because when you recognize that when you have the opportunity to do and see different, that's a blessing.

0:35:18 - (Renada): And it means that you have to look back over your habits. You have to look back over your motivations. You have to look back over the things that you have allowed to be your default comforts. Your default comforts mean that you're still not beyond letting trauma be your guide. But you have to make changes and you have to then walk in the newness, walk in the freedom and do things differently. So if you know that there are certain places or people that you cannot continue with, then don't, don't allow it to become an impediment.

0:36:20 - (Renada): And when people start reminding you, if there are people in your life who try to remind you of your trauma, don't accept it. Say, no, I don't think that way anymore. I don't do that anymore. And sometimes the Lord will show you you need to avoid these people altogether because they haven't moved past their trauma. And remember, misery loves company. It wants you to stake a claim in trauma thinking so you settle there instead of moving forward.

0:36:57 - (Renada): So let's self check for a moment what is coming to your mind about your own experiences. Are you seeing, recognizing, thinking of something specific? Or in particular, take steady breaths, see it for truth. Is there something that you have laid claim to that didn't belong to you because of a traumatic experience? Is there something that you convinced yourself of, that you weren't deserving of, or that you neglected to allow yourself to have because of a trauma that you'd encountered or experienced?

0:37:57 - (Renada): Or maybe there are some places where you haven't yet identified trauma, you know that there's something there, but you can't quite put your finger on it. Or are there any places where you haven't cast off for exchange? We are told to take upon ourselves the Lord's yoke, which is easy, and his burden is light. And when we cast our cares upon Him and receive in exchange his goodness and his plan, that's how we know that Jeremiah 20 911 is real, because he tells us that he knows the plans that he has for us. They are plans to prosper us, to give us a hope and a future. So when we press forward every day, grounding ourselves in truth and reminding ourselves that we have the right and the responsibility to call out trauma and to cast it off and exchange that past for the future that he has promised us, the hope and a future, the goodness we deserve, we move closer to freedom.

0:39:02 - (Renada): We move further into truth and purpose and power, and we are each deserving of that. You deserve to be proud of yourself for being in this space and in this season right now, because it means that you are seeking to be whole, to be healed, and to be free. And I am so proud of you. The Lord is so proud of you because he has drawn you with love and he has designed you for purpose and power. So let us just take a moment and breathe in that goodness. Breathe in that goodness. Receive that light and that truth, yes, that is mine.

0:39:47 - (Renada): I deserve that. Because the fact that I am here today, OOH warrior, overcomer victor. Yeah. Yes. Receive that hand claps, snaps, praises. Yes, sir. Yes, ma'am. You deserve that. And this is not easy to talk about. So if you need to talk to someone, give yourself the grace and space to do that. It is not shameful, it is not diminishing to say, you know what? I need to find a mental health professional that shares and aligns with my values and desires, my success, my growth, my goodness.

0:40:43 - (Renada): Do that for yourself. And know that I am here praying for you. I am proud of you and I am championing your goodness, your greatness, so that you get to walk in power and purpose. Because you deserve to be free, you deserve to be whole. And I love you truly so that you see your worth and the love that has been purposed for you. So make your moments matter today. Give yourself the goodness to live in the light of truth.

0:41:23 - (Renada): And don't forget to take into tomorrow the lessons of today. Be gracious, be patient, and be loving to yourself. You got this. You can do it. And you deserve it. May the peace of Y'all be yours. Have a wonderful day. We will talk soon. Bye. Sam. Sam.