Building Boundaries

Renada is a motivational speaker and life coach who focuses on helping individuals build boundaries and live their best lives. She draws inspiration from her faith and believes that setting boundaries is essential for personal growth and success.

In this episode, Renada emphasizes the importance of setting boundaries in order to live a fulfilling and successful life. She explains that boundaries are not negative, but rather a way to ensure justice and protect oneself. Renada shares personal experiences and insights on how to establish boundaries that reflect one's values and vision for the future. She encourages listeners to love and honor themselves by setting boundaries and reinforces the idea that justice will be served when boundaries are respected.

Key Takeaways:

• Boundaries are a blessing and a way to ensure justice in one's life.
• Setting boundaries reflects one's values and helps define how others should engage with them.
• Boundaries grant peace and prevent frustration and regret.
• Boundaries should be established early on to avoid misinterpretation and false expectations.
• Boundaries bless individuals by allowing them to live in truth and love themselves.

Transcript

0:00:25 - (Renada): Hey, good day. May this be your blessing and mindset that today was made just for you. Heaven took the time to design this day with you in mind and to ensure that you had everything that you needed to be wonderful, to succeed and to give yourself the goodness that you know you deserve. Today is the day that you have the opportunity to be the best version of yourself for yourself. So let's start the day with some self love, self worth, and a little self work so that you begin and end this day with the goodness that you deserve.

0:01:20 - (Renada): I'm Renada. Welcome. Let's get into it. Okay, so this morning we are talking about building boundaries. And sometimes boundaries make people nervous. They get a little itchy, they get a little triggered. But boundaries are a blessing. Boundaries are heaven's way of ensuring that justice works in your favor. Isn't that amazing that the God who created heaven and earth took the time to ensure that there was a system and a construct that would exist so that you get justice?

0:02:11 - (Renada): I love it. It's one of the most intriguing things that I find so intentional about the God that we serve. He is so intentional that he didn't even overlook justice. And not just justice how people think of it in the legal sense, but literal justice that every morning in the court of Heaven, because heaven has a court. His word tells us that every morning in the court of Heaven, he calls for the scrolls to be opened to go over this day that he created and established.

0:02:57 - (Renada): And he says, okay, who is being rewarded with justice today? Where does the spirit of justice get to move and for who? And I find that just so fascinating and amazing and encouraging and empowering, because if you know that justice is for you tomorrow, then you should be setting all of the boundaries today and not boundaries in an aggressive way, not boundaries in a demonstrative way where you're flexing on people just because you can not like that.

0:03:40 - (Renada): Boundaries that reflect your values, boundaries that reflect the truth of who you are and the essence of who you are envisioning yourself to be. Because sometimes you have to be to yourself now what you see yourself becoming. So if you are being that to yourself now, if you are ensuring that the people that you encounter and the situations that you face hold a boundary, it's easier to reinforce that boundary later.

0:04:16 - (Renada): So typically when we think about boundaries, there are negative connotations. Why is that? It's always struck me as something that is unusual for people to see boundaries as a negative. Because when I look back over situations, or often when we all look back over situations that we have faced, there's something that you wish you could have done differently, maybe that you would have responded to differently. And a lot of times we say, if I had known then what I know now, I would yada, yada, yada. ABC you would do something differently, right?

0:05:05 - (Renada): But one of the things that I have come into the understanding of through the guidance of the Holy Spirit is that when you feel that way, when you feel regret, when you feel shame, when you feel frustration or bitterness around a decision or an encounter or a situation. It is because that is the space where you did not honor yourself by setting a boundary. Either you set a negative boundary or you let somebody else set a boundary for you that was not reflective of who you were or what you valued.

0:05:46 - (Renada): And those emotions are where we find ourselves feeling regretful. I was about two years into marriage, maybe almost three, when I started to think about, oh, what would my life be like if I had done things different? If I could go back in time, I would do this or I wouldn't have done this. Or maybe our situation financially would be better had I, or maybe we would be in a different space communicating better if we had.

0:06:29 - (Renada): And that was when the Holy Spirit said, if you can identify things that you would do differently, set a boundary and do things differently. And so, in all honesty, I had to sit with that and say, okay, I thought I had set a boundary. But then when I look back over the situation and usually it was my husband and I have our brains work differently, which I think is the balance that the Lord intends. And it's the beauty of marriage. When you can come into partnership with somebody who has a different set of experiences and contexts for their life and you guys get on one accord, the getting part is where a lot of people get lost because there's no boundary setting.

0:07:23 - (Renada): There's no clarity because there's no boundary. Think about it. Think about if the United States of America had no boundaries. That would be crazy. Because when you have no boundaries or when the boundaries are not clear, that's how you feel encroached upon. That's when people get indignant. That's when people get defensive. That's when people get aggressive, when they understand or know that somewhere a line was crossed.

0:08:09 - (Renada): But is that righteous if you did not set a line, if you did not establish a boundary? Should you be angry? Probably. Okay, yeah, fine, you can be offended. But is the offense misdirected? Are you more so upset with yourself because you didn't honor yourself? Are you upset with the other person for crossing a line that they didn't even know existed? Then there's no justice in that. So that's the beauty of a boundary. That's where the Lord brings into the reality the understanding that we are supposed to operate with, because boundaries bless us.

0:09:00 - (Renada): Boundaries create distinction and definition to who we are and how we move and how people understand. They are supposed to navigate and communicate and engage with us. And if you don't have that, if you're not establishing that, how are they supposed to know? They're just supposed to, through Osmosis, understand that? I used to want my husband to read my mind. I felt like that would be the epitome of being one.

0:09:37 - (Renada): And looking back on it, it's so immature. Yes, it's so immature. But to me, it was a fanciful notion. What if we could just look at each other and know what the other one was thinking? Wouldn't that just be so romantic? No, girl, that's dumb. It nobody can read your mind. But you can help people start to truly build the right understanding of who you are so that they have a frame of reference. And that is what keeps the ridiculous away.

0:10:20 - (Renada): Because when people hmm, I cannot take that to you. I can't bring that to Renata. I can't say that to Renata. I can't act like that around Renata because she's going to say something. She's established a boundary. Either she's going to say something, she'll get up and leave. She'll tune me out. Yeah, I have to. Because if I am honoring myself, that means I'm sowing for today what I intend to reap tomorrow. I am sowing today the boundary so that I can reap justice tomorrow.

0:11:04 - (Renada): And that is important. And let's even take it a step further. Heaven assigns boundaries. So if you Google Bible verses with boundaries, you're going to get 100 responses, right? Open Bible. Love it. You're going to get about 100 responses. Not all of them literally say boundaries, but a few of them do. So one of the ones that I think was the most indicative is in Psalm, and it is a verse that says that the Lord sets peace within our lines.

0:11:55 - (Renada): He sets peace within our lines. And when you think about it, when you look at it, it's like, what does that even really mean? But it means that there is a defined line. It actually says that he sets peace within our borders. He makes peace in our borders. So where you place a border, there's supposed to be peace there. Why? Because you're not just going to create a frivolous boundary, right? There's no point in that.

0:12:37 - (Renada): A boundary that exists just for the sake of making a stake, claiming a stake in something that serves you no purpose, that would be futile. That's a waste of energy and that's a waste of resources. But setting a boundary that is reflective of what you value, that is reflective and consistent with who you are and who you are, envisioning yourself to become the best version of yourself that you are choosing to be, that boundary grants you peace.

0:13:17 - (Renada): That boundary is what literally shows up in people's mind when you come to them, when your name comes up, when you're talked about. People know boundaries. They understand them fully and completely and they will either respect them or they may still try to encroach upon them. And if they do, ha, you win. Because you know that there's justice tomorrow. There is justice for the boundaries that you establish.

0:13:59 - (Renada): That's a win win boundary for me helps people understand how to engage with me, who I really am. It helps to paint a picture in their mind of who I am and they get to build definition from that. And it ensures that I get the justice that I am due. I don't have to worry about vengeance. I don't have to be aggressive. I don't have to be irate. I don't have to get angry. When someone encroaches on my boundary, I just reinforce it. I say, oh, no thank you, not I.

0:14:39 - (Renada): And I move along. And that's fine because there's another verse in Psalm, Psalm 16 that says, the lines have fallen from me in pleasant places. So when I move along, I'm moving along to a pleasant place. I'm not going to dwell in frustration. I'm not going to sit in pity or despair. That's not my calling, that's not my purpose. Your purpose is not to sit in offense, take a step back and say, did I set a boundary there?

0:15:18 - (Renada): And if you set a boundary, then move along to a pleasant place. Don't debate with people. Don't argue with people. Don't go back and forth. Just know that when you set the boundary, the law of the Lord is perfect and he will ensure that you get the justice. Why? Because it's on record. You set it out of your own mouth. I do not accept, I cannot participate in I do not appreciate. Or like, when you let's sit with it, let it really resonate your boundaries.

0:16:16 - (Renada): Bless you. So when I was in college, this was junior and senior year, I worked at Enterprise and I was in the management trainee program. And it was really my first taste of corporate America. And I felt so, oh, I have a job, a real job. It's like a career. I was so excited. And then the reality of corporate America started to really settle in and show its face. And one of the things that they wanted was for us to compete with each other.

0:17:01 - (Renada): So we had sales goals. There was like a whole sales matrix and a sales set of metrics that we had to meet. And this was all around rental car coverage. And so they would give us sales training and they would tell us how to approach a customer, how to shoot down a no, how to get a positive response, how to affirm it was all of this training around selling someone an idea of protection, right? Probably a reality of protection. I don't know. I have no idea.

0:17:35 - (Renada): I've never understood or been a part of the process of filing a claim after you sign for a damage waiver. Have no clue. But I do know that I was not good at sales, wasn't my thing. I'm going to ask you one time, and if you say no, cool. I'm going to respect that boundary. You declined, so that means you understand the inherent risk for operating this vehicle that you have rented from this company. It is no longer my concern.

0:18:11 - (Renada): It is yours. So I was not going to force anybody into buying this product. Couldn't do it. Didn't want to. Really. I didn't want to. It felt frivolous. People understand how driving cars work, and if this is the risk they want to take, they are adults. Like, you ensure that they're adults because you take their driver's license. I have to make a copy of it. So we're all aware we're all good here, right?

0:18:44 - (Renada): So a couple of months go by and they are really touting leaders of the sales board, right? Who's on top? Who's on the bottom? Who's in the middle? Who's it going to be? Who's buying for that top spot? And so I was never in the top. Barely in the middle. I mean, like barely. But as a part of the management training program, you have to make rounds with different managers. You have to explore the area, all of this extra stuff, right? It's corporate america. Okay?

0:19:27 - (Renada): So I'm sitting at lunch one day with this guy, and he's talking to me about my know, if you could really just get your sales numbers up, you'd be in the top spot. And I'm looking and I'm saying, yeah, I understand. I understand what you're saying. I get it. I fully understand. But I'm not motivated by sales. And maybe if they had had some real good prizes, maybe I would have tried to sell more, but I already get a paycheck.

0:20:00 - (Renada): Even if I don't make any sales, I get a paycheck. And at that time, I don't remember anybody getting a percentage of what they sold for the insurance products. So there was really no motivation for me. There were no gifts. It was just acknowledgment via email. That doesn't move me. So we're having this conversation, and then he asks me, what do you really want out of enterprise? Because part of how you move up in this company is about hitting these metrics and making these sales.

0:20:38 - (Renada): You got to make a name for yourself. If you don't move up, then the money doesn't follow. And I'm listening to this man, and for a split second I got angry. And then I realized he thinks that I am somebody else. This man doesn't know me at all. Because if he did, he would say, renata, what is your motivation? And then I could have told him, my motivation is traveling, is ensuring that I have enough money to enjoy my time and build a life that I feel fulfilled in.

0:21:22 - (Renada): Selling insurance is not going to do that for me. And then we could have come up with a plan, but I had to step back during that conversation and after. So we finished lunch and I'm driving back to the branch and I'm realizing I have not set one boundary. And these people think that I'm somebody else. And that was a harrowing reality for me because I never intended to give them that impression. I am not motivated by money.

0:22:05 - (Renada): That's not me. And here I am making myself sick. This was about the same time that I had been diagnosed with fibromyalgia by this doctor who was telling me it might just all be in your head. You need to take some time away from work, you need to relax, maybe change your habits. And he was probably right. Looking back at the moment in time, that little snapshot, that whole experience that I had allowed to be created for me because I did not set any boundaries when I signed up and they said, hey, part of this program is sales, well then that one should have been my cue. Okay. Do I like sales? No.

0:22:50 - (Renada): Should I stay in this position? Probably not. Let me find something else. Let me give this my time and energy while I'm here, but let me start looking for something else or having a conversation with the area managers that said, I'm really not motivated by sales. Is there something else that I can use as a means of building a platform, building the ability to still move forward with the company? And if there were, then I could have taken that.

0:23:28 - (Renada): Maybe there was marketing or advertising, something that I was actually going to school for at the time because my degree was in public relations and journalism. I could have done something that was aligned with what I did value, which was writing and communicating and sharing information with people. But I had allowed my boundaries to be set for me. And in these people setting my boundaries for me, they had the wrong impression of who I was and what they should say and how I would be motivated and what I was motivated by.

0:24:08 - (Renada): That was my first taste of corporate America. And during that time I learned that if you don't set your boundaries early on and with enough clarity that people understand, they will feel entitled to define them for you. And if they feel entitled to define them for you, then yeah, you can be mad at the outcome. But is that misdirected? Because you always have the opportunity to step back and say, okay, let me take a breath, let me gain focus and say, is this who I am?

0:25:01 - (Renada): Is this what I value? Is this long term sustainable? And can I reinforce this boundary in a positive way to help people understand how to engage with me? Because really that's what it comes down to. We are called to share light and love. So when people engage and encounter with you, if they are not taking away light and love, chances are your boundaries have not been established. They have no idea who you are, and they have no understanding of how to engage with you because our lives were made for maximum impact, maximum impact abundance.

0:26:00 - (Renada): The Messiah came so that we would have life and have it more abundantly to the fullest, which is why the Lord sets peace in our borders. Peace in your borders means, hey, this is where I stand. This is my position on this thing, and it's not going to change. And that's why my mind has peace that passes understanding, because I understand that in the matter where this situation is concerned, this is the truth.

0:26:31 - (Renada): I'm standing on the truth. I'm not moving from the truth. I'm not accepting anything that is not reflective of the truth, and I won't allow anything that does not honor me in this, because if I can't honor myself, how are people going to understand who I am or how to engage with me? And then how are they going to attribute that to the God that I serve? How are they going to see that in the light of love?

0:27:05 - (Renada): Because you have to love yourself first. You can't give what you don't have. So if you don't love yourself, you cannot love other people. You can be sympathetic. You can be empathetic. You can be concerned, but you can't love, because love bears all things, endures all things, hopes all things. It's patient. It's kind. It's genuine. It doesn't envy. It doesn't boast. It doesn't brag. It doesn't seek its own way.

0:27:35 - (Renada): So if you love yourself, all of those things are true about you as a person, because love is the embodiment of truth for the sake of moving in righteousness. So you have to give yourself the opportunity to see truth in the situation, taking a step back, taking a breath, and saying, okay, what is true about this situation? What is true about this relationship? What is true about this condition? And once you recognize and know what's true, once you've established truth, oh, baby, did you golden, then you understand what is required of you, how you're supposed to move and where you should direct your energy, your resources, your time, your mental energy so that you are set in peace. Because if you have peace, you don't feel the need to debate with anybody. You don't feel the need to go back and forth with anybody.

0:28:58 - (Renada): You know that your lines have fallen in pleasant places. So once that situation happens and you've set your border, you have your peace, you move along with your day. There's no nagging feeling of, oh, I should have said this. Oh, I should have done that. I can't believe they came at me like that. I can't believe they thought, you know what? Not only am I not the one, but I'm not the two or the three, so don't come at me. There's none of that.

0:29:28 - (Renada): It's just pure and simple. I'm going to respond and not react my husband says that. He says that often we are to be responsive and not reactive because reactions come from emotion but response comes from reason. And when we've reasoned through righteousness, we set our borders so we have peace. We don't sit in despair, anger, bitterness, but we move along to pleasant places because we know that there's justice coming for me tomorrow because I'm sowing into myself by honoring myself and my boundaries today.

0:30:16 - (Renada): Then you keep it moving and you're good and that's it. And that's all. Because people's expectations, they're not our burden to bear people's wishes, not ours to grant or answer. People's feelings are not our concern. Everybody is responsible for managing their feelings and everybody is responsible for finding truth whether they choose to or not. We don't have the power to do that. We don't have the power to force anybody to be anything.

0:31:05 - (Renada): You can't even as a parent. And it's so hard, that's a hard thing to come to terms with that you cannot make anybody be anything. Right? Resonates settles it hits it bounces around in your mind and you're like, yeah, but what about you can't make anybody be anything. You can't make anybody be healthy, you can't make anybody be happy. Now, can you be good to people? Yeah. You can give them goodness that you've given yourself first. You can share with people the good overflow that you have because you've taken the time and you've sowed into yourself goodness. So you have that to share absolutely.

0:31:56 - (Renada): But you can't make anybody be anything. And that's why your boundaries bless you. Because in those moments, in those situations where you encounter challenge, whether through person, circumstance or situation, when you set a boundary, that is an opportunity for you to be for you. I am going to advocate for myself by setting this boundary because I know it blesses me. And so how do we set boundaries?

0:32:36 - (Renada): It's very easy. Your boundaries are most reflective of your values. So you first have to start there. What is it that you value and when you understand what you value, how does that show up in your life? So, for me, one of the things that I value and really cherish is deep conversation. I enjoy that something that I value is connecting with people through deep conversation. So when I'm talking to someone, I try to ensure that I am present in that I try to ensure that the conversation that I'm bringing someone leaves them better.

0:33:42 - (Renada): Which means I choose my words wisely. I'm intentional with what I say, with the time that I give it, with the thought that I'm willing to share. So when a conversation is taking place that is not reflective of what I value, when it's people who want to spew word vomit with either hate or rudeness or complaining or just bitterness, I will not participate because that doesn't leave me better and it doesn't leave you better.

0:34:26 - (Renada): Another thing that I value is spontaneity. I believe that every day should have an element of difference from the day before. Because if your days all run together, where are the moments of praise? Where are the moments of peace? Where is the goodness? Where is the righteousness of encountering a God who is living and active and desires to show you how good he is? If all of your days start to blur together, are you giving yourself the time to enjoy where you are?

0:35:12 - (Renada): Because there's something good about where you are right now. And if you can't see it, have you set a boundary that keeps you from recognizing it? Have you set a negative boundary? And how do you fix that? You fix a negative boundary or allowing other people to define your boundary by knowing where you're going. So then after you know what you value, what is your vision set on? Where do you see yourself next?

0:35:56 - (Renada): And if you don't know where you want to be next, then you need to go back to where your values are. Because growth is a commandment. You have to be better tomorrow than you were today. Otherwise, you're not letting the Holy Spirit do his work. Otherwise, you're not taking stock to make your moments matter. So give yourself that today. Take the opportunity to see where you have set boundaries, to understand what is motivating you in this season and then to create a vision of yourself next so that you understand what boundaries you should be setting now.

0:36:57 - (Renada): And then give yourself grace in that space. Give yourself the opportunity to reinforce your boundaries. And if it means that you have to restate it, restate it. If it means that you have to continue to avoid a situation that you know will not allow you to remain steadfast in your boundary and in truth, then don't do it, because you deserve the good. You have to hold and know truth so that you are not moved by other people.

0:37:43 - (Renada): So make your moments matter today. Give yourself the goodness you deserve to live in the light of truth. And don't forget to take into tomorrow the lessons of today. Be gracious with yourself. Be patient with yourself. Be loving to yourself. And know that I am here championing and encouraging and saying, you got this. You deserve this. Go get that because it's yours. Set those boundaries. Get your justice tomorrow.

0:38:16 - (Renada): Let it be known. Put it on record so that when the Lord looks in the morning and he says, whose name is on the roll for justice today? Your name is there, etched in ink, marked in truth, signed in the blood of the Lamb, because you deserve that and your boundaries. Bless you. May the peace of Yah be yours. I'm so excited for what lies ahead for you. Be good to yourself and be encouraged. You got it.

0:38:49 - (Renada): And we'll talk soon. Bye. Boo. Sam. Sam. Sam.